New E Bay listing

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PA
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New E Bay listing

Postby PA » Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:32 pm

Truth in Advertising.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll ... 1763wt_963

Minibike, pocket bike, kid's motorbike, waste of money!

I have a reputation for not putting enough effort into describing items I sell on ebay, so this time I'm going to be very clear in describing the item.

mini bike 1.jpg

The pictures above appear to be of some type of small child's motorbike, possibly a minibike, yes, that's what it looks like. However, this is one of those very rare Chinese made miniature motorcycles of which only about 56,785,920 were distributed world wide last year. The total lack of spare parts for these things has now convinced me that each child born in China was tasked with producing one of these; from a roll of aluminium foil and an empty ice cream container. That explains why each one is different. Not just different colours, but every single one is unique in its dimensions and spirit. Some have even been made inside-out.

Some of them have wheels which are almost round, mine doesn't. The frame appears to be made of bamboo, painted silver to make it look stronger. When they gave the Chinese made boats the name Junk, I can now see why. Surely, one of the five year old kids tasked with building these things could weld. Every weld on the frame of this thing looks like a passing sparrow has splattered semi metallic poo on it, badly. Every bolt is a different size and the fact that it doesn't change shape if left in the sunlight has amazed me.

mini bike 2.jpg

I rode it once, that was enough. It was about as comfortable as pouring a cup full of leaf-cutting ants down my undies. Even though I'm so short that my feet are actually above my head, somehow riding this thing saw me wearing my ankles as earrings and trying to steer at the same time. Making things even worse was that it was like riding a chainsaw with wheels. The motor can rev like a cat with a clothes peg on its tail, making this little bike go faster than standing still - which is already a stretch of its safety envelope.

Before I took it for its one and only ride, I had to fill it up with fuel. I couldn't understand how such a small machine could need such a large fuel tank, but then fifteen minutes after I'd put the fire out, I worked out why. The fuel leak from the carby was that severe that by the time I'd travelled 12 metres with my feet behind my head, the grass behind me was on fire. The leaking fuel had some how caught alight and although I was hoping it was a trail of burning rubber from its tyre shredding power, it was merely a small fire, not unlike a burning pipeline in Iraq. Fortunately, the fuel leak was so bad that by the time the fire caught up to the bike, there was nothing left to burn.

The bodywork on the bike isn't even attached. I don't know how it ever could be. There must have been a fight at the child labour factory when this thing was made, obviously the stronger five year old stole the bits that allowed this bike's bodywork to be attached to its silver bamboo frame. So it just sits there making this thing even more ridiculous. You would expect that motorcycle bodywork would be made of plastic, true. But given the fact that this stuff a) didn't burn and b) is as flexible as a spam induced erection, tells me that it is something from another planet, possibly China. I suspect that it may be some super organic, self regenerating rice paper or something.

mini bike 3.jpg

Starting this bike is about as easy as getting a table of six for Yum Cha at 12pm. Despite the fuel gushing from the poor excuse for a carby, this thing has a pull start which has a cord about as long as a primary school play lunch. With the amount of fuel flooding from the carby, it requires full throttle to start. The first time I got it going it rode off with only the ghost of Chopstick Creek at the controls. I later learned that the best way to start it was by holding it under your arm and acting out an ACDC guitar riff before putting it back down, placing your ankles behind your ears and hoping that the thing stayed upright long enough for someone to get a photo.

On the bright side, this thing would make a fantastic garden ornament, because it has a miraculous ability to convert itself to important soil nutrients, like iron oxide, very quickly. You will notice that one of the front fork stanchions is all rusty. I didn't do that in photoshop, it really is rooted. You will also notice that the steering is out of alignment, but what do you expect from child labour?

When the Trike of Death saw this little bike, it turned around in a very large circle and looked the other way. You have to feel sorry for this little machine, it's like a puppy in a pound. Surely someone out there must have a good home for it? Lets face it, you can now buy something that has trodden the same ground as the legendary Trike of Death for less than the cost of a Trike of Death T shirt. You may even be able to convert this little thing into a candle, a hearing aid, a belt buckle or something else useful.

This monstrosity needs to go. Even if you buy it just for something to kick your toe on it would be worth it. You could paint it black and leave it on some stairs one night. You could create an artificial reef out of it, for one small and selfish fish. Whatever you do with it is your own business, just don't tell anyone where it came from.

mini bike 4.jpg

In response to some anticipated questions, here are the answers:

No, I don't have a buy it now price, but if you can convince ebay to refund my listing fee, you can have it.

No, it doesn't have a seat, the manufacturer didn't design it to last long enough for your arse to make it to the where the seat would normally be.

No, it ran out of warranty on the third day, which was when it was somewhere in the middle of the Sea of China, on its way to infest the world with a good dose of unquality control.

Yes, I will deliver it to Anaheim California, it will only cost a return airfare ex Sydney and a spam pass.

No, the brakes don't work. It wasn't designed to make it that far.

Yes, it is crap.

True, it does look good. So too do most celebrities until you see them in the flesh.

No, it wouldn't be a nice gift for a six year old, or any other number between 1 and 1000.

No, there isn't any spare parts available for it. They were designed around the same concept as disposable razors and toilet paper, not much good after the first use.

Yes, you are welcome to take it for a test ride – after you buy it and then sell it to someone else who advertises it for sale and offers you a ride of it.



Questions are funny too.

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: Hey Hollywood, You know.. seeing the bike majestically poised on the pole gave me an idea, we were looking for something a little different to perch on top of the Christmas Tree this year and seeing as though Angels are just sooooo yesterday, I was looking for something a little more "Today". Do you think it would be suitable as a tree ornament given that it is made of Silver Bamboo and guano, we could all sit around and bet on what will erupt in flames first, the Bike or the Tree lights!! Either way it would be win win, roasted chestnuts anyone? 02-Nov-09
A: Sometimes I hope nobody can see me laughing at an LCD screen, it must look strange, especially when I have a rubber glove on my head. You are right, Angels are even the day before. Putting this bike on top of your tree would be February 31. Don't tell the insurers.
Q: I had a Jeep Cherokee that I gave to my mother in law, however both times it caught fire she managed to escape....I mean get out of the vehicle. If this bike comes with a seat belt that doesnt open it may be suitable for my mother in law. No doubt the rocket scientists that work in Jeep Quality Control found a new job China at one of the large manufacturing plants. If it doesnt come with a seatbelt would you be willing to throw one in for free? 02-Nov-09
A: I had my Jeep Grand Cherokee, with even more things to go wrong that the standard jeep. I called it the one and only, because it was the one and only one that I'd ever owned. Unfortunately my over-insured dog box didn't catch on fire, I was clearly unlucky. As for your darling mother in law, the first thing to do is to buy her some velcro hook pants and then have the seat of the bike made out of the velcro loop fabric. If that doesn't keep her on, you could fill her bloomers with magnets, but no, the bike probably doesn't have enough iron in the bamboo and you would ruin her credit card's magnetic strips. Just go for the velcro.
Q: Your honesty is refreshing and appreciated, i say Hollywoodbigshot is our replacement for Obama 02-Nov-09
A: Hollywoodbigshot, president of the world. I like the sound of it. I'd certainly be making some changes, firstly be slowing down the earth's rotation by running the trike in one direction for an hour. That way we would all have more time to laugh at things. That was how Superman saved Lois Lane anyway.
Q: Mate - bugga the bike..... what's your BIN for the description! Priceless. Thankyou. 02-Nov-09
A: You can take the description for free and use it to sell something of yours, just remove the reference to the bike and replace it with whatever you need to sell. It's kind of universal when you think about it. Thanks mate.
Q: Hi, is this bike suitable to use it on a friday afternoon topic on motor-forum? 02-Nov-09
A: Yes, but the tyres will be worn out by Sunday.
Q: hey man!!! sounds like a wild machine. is there a nitrous oxide kit available for that model i want head to the moon. thanks for the laugh u funny dude steve 02-Nov-09
A: You can just strap a can of fly spray to the frame and spray it into the carby as you ride, it has the same effect.
Q: Hi it looks like just the thing i am after as long as i can fit a sidecar to it. what do you think? 02-Nov-09
A: With the frame so poorly put together, you have to sit beside it just to keep it in a straight line. That negates the need for a side car.
Q: Excuse me sir, but does it run on sweet & sour sauce? 02-Nov-09
A: Oh yes, and if you want it to go even faster, you can ad a little MSG.
Q: I laughed so hard i just wet my pants :) How much would postage be to the Peoples Republic of China? 02-Nov-09
A: For you, five dollar.
Q: Hi mate, You are a gem!!!!! You have actually got someone to pay $56 bucks for nothing.I should get you to sell all my shit!!!!!!! NICE STORY 01-Nov-09
A: I'm not feeling too bad now, because I found the seat for it. I'll hope it doesn't go above $4,300.
Q: I feel your description of the bike is misleading to potential buyers. Specifically the claim "True, it does look good". I don't need to see it in the flesh to know this is patently untrue. 01-Nov-09
A: You're right. I meant to say, "true, if you have no eyes and your optic nerves are being eaten by magpies and you squint, then it may look good to some". Sorry, and glad you picked that up.
Q: The old saying "The way to keep flies out of the kitchen, is to put a bucket of shit in the living room". Would this bike be a good substitute for the living room? Thanks, JAckal 01-Nov-09
A: Funny you should say that, my lawnmower and whipper snipper won't come out of the bedroom now that this thing is in the backyard.
Q: scammer@yourmoney.isgone! Spamalot Spamalot ты spam 'A long time ago in a galaxy far far away' spam spam? spam его тебе! scammer@yourmoney.isgone, Сурт. 01-Nov-09
A: Either my eyes are getting worse, or that is the words of an alien.
Q: FAIR GO MATE everybody is allowed to make one Mistake, just look at the HOLDEN CAMIRA,it even ended up winning the Wheels CAR OF THE YEAR...So ease up on the little fella,cos if you send the Chinese economy broke, where the hell are we going to buy our everyday stuff... TOWELS,SHEETS,SOCKS,DRESSES,JEANS,DISHES,RADIOS,TV'S,IPODS,STEREO'S,$2 SHOPS,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC,ETC, Best of LUCK with the PENDING SALE...Cheers Tony. 01-Nov-09
A: I had a friend that actually won a new Camira in a Coke competition, it was on the inside of the lid. It was a great car, but after the warranty ran out she wanted to swap it back for the bottle of Coke.
Q: Herro, my ritter boy spent minutes of har rork to assembry these ronderfur machines. They arnt men to be started and riden, they are men to hang from your car keys COOKIE BOY!! Legards, Mr Wotwentwong. 31-Oct-09
A: And I thought a wind chime would be an option.
Q: Man this is just what I wanted and I would have paid top dollar for it but I have a slight problem. I have a severe flatulence problem and the thought of blowing my arse up scares me more than the add. Good luck with the sale 31-Oct-09
A: You should be scared. Maybe tight fitting rubber undies will make it a safe option for you?
Q: Would you take $4 for it and deliver free of charge to sunny england me ol china? 31-Oct-09
A: Is that $4 or 4 pounds? For pounds I may do it.
Q: my final offer. You drop it off for free and then set fire to it in the neighbours front yard and ill give u 5bucks 31-Oct-09
A: Do your neighbours like a bit of fun?
Q: My wife's vibrator stopped working last week. What do you think? She is getting terribly ansi! 31-Oct-09
A: Try a Harley instead!
Q: "H" thsi is now being followed even here in Europe where WE thought we had the headstart on Chinese gear!! Obviously this one slipped through the net?! Well best of luck selling the pile of SH1T!! Are they not the most wonderful piece of engineering you ever came across?? I particularly liked the reference to WELDING!!! I think it was NOT a sparrow but a SH1TEHAWK!!! Good man you deserve better!! Chris LOST in France! 31-Oct-09
A: Thanks Chris. I think these things are a bit like swine flu the way the spread around the world. Even healthy people can get it. But sh1tehawks weren't responsible for the welding, they do a far better job.



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dad
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Re: New E Bay listing

Postby dad » Mon Nov 02, 2009 7:02 pm

Wait til you try all of his listings.

I could hardly pick myself up off the floor, the dog was growling at me as though I had turned into a zombie and the wife had to wear ear plugs I was laughing so loudly.

Have you ever ridden a trike??????

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Sony-PlayStation ... dZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Minibike-pocket- ... 2556f24f0e

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Yamaha-YTM175-tr ... 133001r656

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Reptile-cage-dog ... 2556d4262e

Dad


God doesn't make mistakes, but you are proof that he has a sense of humor. - unknown

nipper
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Re: New E Bay listing

Postby nipper » Mon Nov 02, 2009 8:31 pm

This guy sure has a way with words !
Lucky he isnt the owner of a 05 4T Sherco or a one of those dreaded Beta things he would really wear his fingers out typing descriptions to entice a buyer. :lol:



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garrison
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Re: New E Bay listing

Postby garrison » Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:27 am

His trike of death listings are some of the best in the history of ebay. :lol:

He even made mundane items like the stove and the welder interesting!




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