Friday Funnies

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pcurtis
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Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:28 pm

A small boy wrote to Santa."send me a brother"
Santa wrote back "send me your mother"


A three year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
He asked his mom "are these my brains"
"not yet" she replied.


A young boy asked his father "whats the difference between confident and confidential"
Dad says "you are my son,I'm confident of that,
your friend over there is also my son,thats confidential"


Headache's
The doctor says "Joe,the good news is I can cure your headache,
the bad news is it will require castration.You have a very rare condition
which causes your testicles to press on your spine,and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache.The only way to relieve the pressure
is to remove the testicles.

Joe was shocked and depressed and wondered if he had anything to
live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left hospital he felt like a new man. No headache for the
first time in 20 years so he could make a new start.

He saw a mens clothing store and decided thats what he needed,a new
suit. He entered the store and said to the salesman"I'd like a new suit please"

The elderly salesman said "lets see...size 44 long"

Joe laughed "thats right..how did you know"

"Been in the business 50 years" he said

Joe tried on the suite and it fitted perfectly

The salesman asked "how about a new shirt to match"

Joe thought for a moment and said "sure why not"

The sailsman eyed Joe and said "34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck"

Joe was surprised and said "how did you know"

"Been in business 50 years"

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.Joe walked comfortably
around the shop admiring himself in the mirror.

The old man asked "how about some new underwear"

Joe thought for a second and said "sure I'm really feeling great"

The salesman stepped back and looked at his waist and said "lets see size 36"

Joe laughed and said "ah ha I've got you there,I've worn size 34 since I was 18"

The salesman shook his head and said "you can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against your spine and give you one hell of a headache"





If you've heard a good funny one lately feel free to add to the list



.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:48 pm

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland 's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!
(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world�s top 10 deadliest,

Australia has 9.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but, after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was, how to release the snake, without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake and, bugger me, it had two frogs in his mouth.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:02 am

Higgs Boson Walks into a Catholic church...

Priest: Hi, welcome to our church.
Higgs Boson: Thank you.
Priest: Excuse me, but what are you?
Higgs Boson: I am a Higgs Boson, Father.
Priest: I'm sorry but we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here.
Higgs Boson: Then how the ---- do you have mass?



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what do retired people do all day

Postby MAG66 » Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:33 am

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:15 am

A family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flyies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed and to protect her young sons innocence,the woman says it was an insect. One of the boys says "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that."



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Oct 12, 2012 8:55 am

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a bloody cat!!!



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:38 pm

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class She
came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'


The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think
the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'


The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:52 pm

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f..k off the car!"

----------------------------------------------------------

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
__________________


3 women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men ...... that night, all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet again .....
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12cm stilettos and mask. He saw me and said "you are the woman of my life, I love you"....then we made love all night long."
The mistress: Äh! Me too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.... but we had wild sex all night".
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:09 pm

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:48 pm

One weeks humor

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!




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