Friday Funnies

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nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:53 pm

Northern Territory Joke



One hot summer day, Warrigal came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade
of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?"

Warrigal called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the cop said.

Warrigal replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Warrigal. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"

Warrigal looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
dog."



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Sat Oct 27, 2012 3:38 pm

Homeless mans funeral.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on the way and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the grave-diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,



"I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.



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MAG66
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:04 am

A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a twenty hour shift. She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a cheque with it. She looks at the Cashier and says, "Well! That's great, that's really great! Some arsehole's got my pen!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A penguin is out driving in his car one fine & sunny day and the thing stops unexpectedly at the side of the road.
The penguin calls the auto club and 20 min later the roadside assist bloke rolls up in his ute.

After exchanging greetings and checking membership details the mechanic goes to work under the bonnet and the penguin waddles off to the shop looking to buy a cool drink and a snack.

When the penguin returns the mechanic announces "You've blown a seal" to which the penguin replies "No, it's just vanilla ice cream."



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Nov 02, 2012 8:38 am

25% of the women in Australia are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary!


It means 75% are running around untreated



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Nov 02, 2012 8:46 am

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "
And you, Tanya?............................................

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Nov 09, 2012 10:40 am

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not f--k--g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Nov 09, 2012 10:43 am

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Fri Nov 09, 2012 12:26 pm

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by
the telephone.

"Hillen, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory
en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the intire New
Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

*PM:* "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

*Hilth Munister:* "We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?..."

*PM:* "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

*Hilth Munister:* "What about Australia?"

*PM:* "I'll call Kiven Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten
enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect
the all blacks!!"

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She
finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and
gold. With small writing on each one.........


MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM



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MAG66
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby MAG66 » Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:49 pm

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Nov 23, 2012 10:06 am

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last-minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre, the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone and then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion and she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
.

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door to it."




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