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Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 11:49 am
by MAG66
Two aliens landed in an outback desert of Queensland near a petrol
station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling! We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older
alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way !!!! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do
that!!! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a rabbit burrow..

About a half hour passed.......................

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes
and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear !!!!!!

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 23, 2013 10:01 pm
by matt monk
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt??'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, FullaSchitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Crock O. Schitt

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 7:53 am
by Greg Harding
Holy Schitt ! :lol:

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 12:22 pm
by pcurtis
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 3:39 pm
by matt monk
during a womans medical examination the doctor said your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are fine
now lets have a look at what gets you women in trouble.
the lady starts removing her underwear.
no, no, don't remove your clothes..
just stick out your tongue!!!.

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 6:04 pm
by nipper
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 6:05 pm
by nipper
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she’d killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, “bugger it, I'll soldier on!”

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 6:08 pm
by nipper
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. She was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied. "Making love".

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

His heart soared with joy at this cute and innocent question. He replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looked puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.

'Well", she said, "that might be OK in New Zealand, but we're not having any of that shit in Australia."

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 6:11 pm
by matt monk
whats the difference between your mother in law and a terrorist?

you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Re: Friday Funnies

Posted: Thu May 30, 2013 6:13 pm
by nipper

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$37,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,

mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,

"Anyone know who's phone this is?"