Friday Funnies

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Greg Harding
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby Greg Harding » Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:05 pm

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Cheryl at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!


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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby Mark K » Fri Jun 14, 2013 10:25 pm

Greg Harding wrote:Holy Schitt ! :lol:

I'm reminded of the fellow who could control an elephant by hypnosis .........
He was standing behind it cleaning up a whole wheelbarrow full of elephant poo muttering to himself "I could have sworn I said SIT"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:52 pm

Member - Frank P (NSW) replied:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ......

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:10 pm

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike,
shagged two women and blown a grand on drink.
She'll go f*cking mental when she gets home from work!



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:20 pm

WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff. Description: C:\Users\albertsm\AppData\Local\Microsoft\Windows\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5\LDC2PLQZ\MC900141317[1].wmf



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:56 pm

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:00 pm

An Australian traveller on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Officers at the airport.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked an officer.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the officer.

"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other."

"This I gotta see", replied the officer.

With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the officer his behind.

"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the officer. "Have a safe trip back to Queensland ."

"But how do you know I'm from Queensland ? "

The officer replied, "I recognized Kevin RUDD in the middle"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:06 pm

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f#ckin' ship?"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby Mark K » Sat Aug 17, 2013 12:20 am

nipper wrote:A magician was working on a cruise ship.........
I heard a different version....
Same ship. Same magician. Same annoying parrot giving away all his secrets. The magician was getting more and more furious until one evening in a fit of temper he stole the parrot and shoved it in the freezer. Some time passed and he was feeling so guilty that he let the parrot out again before it froze to death. The parrot was near death, but just stood there shivering while its temperature slowly returned to normal, and it and the magician just stared at each other in silence.

Eventually the parrot quietly asked "Can I just ask one question please?"

The magician silently nodded.

"While I was in there, I couldn't help wondering and I just have to know ..... What annoying thing could that chicken have done to deserve that?"



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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:39 pm

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.


Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph;


Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.


Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I
doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,


"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.


If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied,


"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.




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