Friday Funnies

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nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:33 pm

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'



nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:37 pm

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night


The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replied, "That would be my wife."



nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:40 pm

Hassan and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of Sydney
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how
Do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'
Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'
Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'
Habib says.... 'So what does your sign say ?'
Hassan shows Habib his sign....
It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'



pcurtis
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:09 pm

Last Kiss...
Back a few days ago, some Ulysses Club bikers were riding up to Nelson Bay when they saw a girl about to jump off the Stockton Bridge.
So they stopped ...

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Goldwing, walks through a group of gawkers, past the assembled coppers who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the coppers, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!



pcurtis
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:13 pm

Economics Teacher
Class, can you give me an example of a complete business failure due to professional negligence?


Little Johnny
A pregnant prostitute.....



pcurtis
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:35 pm

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.


Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph;


Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.


Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I
doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,


"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.


If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied,


"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.



nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:41 pm

Ahhhhhh...a senior moment Peter..... please check yesterdays post



pcurtis
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:54 pm

Hi Nipper

Yesterdays version must have been posted by my distant cousin with the same first initial. (or you could be right, a seniors moment) I do have a seniors card now so its acceptable.

Peter



nipper
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby nipper » Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:32 pm

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE :-)



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no spam in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.



pcurtis
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Re: Friday Funnies

Postby pcurtis » Fri Oct 18, 2013 7:45 pm

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:

You see how clever we are?

You'll never beat that!

The Australian says to the Kiwi:

Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick.

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again:

Give me one more cookie...

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:

And where is your famous magic trick?

The Australian says:

Look in the Kiwi's pocket!





A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"




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